The Harrowing Adventures of Riley Grime

Hey you guys I remember last night and it was basically the best thursday ever. Two friends were in town from Boston and we had a mega party and evening full of bizarre-o nonsense.

My friend DTMWAGT invited us to a party to see one of her friends DJ at the above swank Thom bar where we scuttled up to a corner booth and partook of the complimentary (one) bottle service.

DTMWAGT was nervous about sidling up and introducing herself to the other members of our corner booth party so I bit the bullet and introduced myself to someone I had already met. WHOOPS. Sorry guy.

Soon enough her DJ friend start playing and she requested some song that escapes me. Upon hearing it this cutie twink (stripe-o as I shall call him) bounces up to the DJ booth and just gushes that it’s his FAVORITE song. So DJ says “Well DTMWAGT requested it so you should thank her and makeout.” Fair enough. Stripe-o grabbed her face and commenced hilarious make out session followed by excessive winking a bit later in the evening.

At this point we are just standing around killing time and this man walks up to us and immediately introduces himself to my friend Kim Chi while ignoring the rest of us. I felt like I was in one of those shitty Vh1 bars and this guy was waiting for Mystery’s critique on his future ability to be THE pick up artist. So all three of us are visibly uncomfortable and the guy is like “do you live here? I am from SF.” And you would not believe what dude says next. “I always travel for business but tonight is for pleasure.” To which we respond by laughing uncontrollably while he continues to make us feel progressively more uncomfortable. Kim chi excuses her self to the “bathroom” with a barely controlled fit of laughter. End scene. Humiliation of idiot complete. What? No kino escalation?

On our way out we run into the two friends we were waiting all night for to be whisked off to Le Poisson Rouge for $6 whiskey shots and rolling rock. High class living. We exchange millions of hugs and kisses and meet up with their friends who are hilarious. One, in an attempt which might be considered flirting, says to me “I could smell you across the room.” What dude? “Like your perfume not your BO.” Thanks? “It’s not like too strong it just smells really good.” Ok just stop it. We find out he is our neighbor and exchange numbers (BE OUR FRIENDS CROWN HEIGHTS KIDZ) and he sends both me an Kim Chi text messages at the same time. To KimChi “You’re a fox.” To me “you smell good.” Keeping your options open I see. Out of control.

We take the party to some shitty bar and Kim Chi takes out her passport and hands it to the bouncer. Who throws it back at her and demands that she open it to her photo. She responds with a “why are you so lazy?” while passing the now open passport back to him and he takes it from her and throws it on the ground telling her to get out. So we tell him to fuck off and all leave together.

On the way out there is an ambulance with two paramedics chilling out front. So I ask them if they’ll help Kim Chi once I injure and throw her into a giant pile of garbage right in front of them. “No. You can help her. She’s your problem.” To which the both of us start screaming about how they were the worst paramedics. “What kind of paramedics don’t help people?” “Do your job! This is your job!”

I almost peed my pants on the way home. Luckily I didn’t. the end.