Dear Readers,

I’m sorry! I’m terrible at this whole “writing interesting things frequently.” I’m working on it!

Anyways check out United Bamboo’s cat calendar because I am totally the worst.

OH HAI

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Hey y’all! Kim Chi and I just went to this fashion show. Mimi from www.plaztikmag.com is always kilin it with getting me into great events. (Love her! Visit her site!)

There was this little black number that killed me at the end. I took some pictures with my garbage camera which I may or may not post some day when I find my card reader. The show was definitely fun and we even got seats. Très bien.

After the show ended there was this maybelline section where they were giving away free bits. I nipped this “stiletto” mascara which I’m going to test out tonight. I’ll give you an update later. I tried to grab a lipstick too but got the verbal equivalent of a slap on the hand. “GOD CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME A SECOND!” Run away!

There is also this filthy comic book I grabbed called “Models INC.” I’ll try to scan it so we can laugh at it later.

Anyways, I’m gonna try to post more often in this…does anyone want to give me a scanner? I want to start posting drawings.

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I just heard two people with thick New York accents discussing how GREAT point break is. Well the guy was describing the movie while this pregnant lady kept saying “oh yeah I think I seen that. I think I seen that.”

It was truly poetry in motion as he described the final scene. “where thayah wrestlin in the water and keanu just cuffs swayze and he’s all awww man you gotta let me catch this wave cuz it’s my dream sos he lets him go an the fbi are all YOU LET HIM GO YOU LET HIM GO but keanu is like no I didn’t. And swayze takes this big wave and just dies right there. It’s a really fuckin’ good movie.”

...screencapped by drunky mcpeepants (c.malone...)

THIS CUNT

Hey you guys I remember last night and it was basically the best thursday ever. Two friends were in town from Boston and we had a mega party and evening full of bizarre-o nonsense.

My friend DTMWAGT invited us to a party to see one of her friends DJ at the above swank Thom bar where we scuttled up to a corner booth and partook of the complimentary (one) bottle service.

DTMWAGT was nervous about sidling up and introducing herself to the other members of our corner booth party so I bit the bullet and introduced myself to someone I had already met. WHOOPS. Sorry guy.

Soon enough her DJ friend start playing and she requested some song that escapes me. Upon hearing it this cutie twink (stripe-o as I shall call him) bounces up to the DJ booth and just gushes that it’s his FAVORITE song. So DJ says “Well DTMWAGT requested it so you should thank her and makeout.” Fair enough. Stripe-o grabbed her face and commenced hilarious make out session followed by excessive winking a bit later in the evening.

At this point we are just standing around killing time and this man walks up to us and immediately introduces himself to my friend Kim Chi while ignoring the rest of us. I felt like I was in one of those shitty Vh1 bars and this guy was waiting for Mystery’s critique on his future ability to be THE pick up artist. So all three of us are visibly uncomfortable and the guy is like “do you live here? I am from SF.” And you would not believe what dude says next. “I always travel for business but tonight is for pleasure.” To which we respond by laughing uncontrollably while he continues to make us feel progressively more uncomfortable. Kim chi excuses her self to the “bathroom” with a barely controlled fit of laughter. End scene. Humiliation of idiot complete. What? No kino escalation?

On our way out we run into the two friends we were waiting all night for to be whisked off to Le Poisson Rouge for $6 whiskey shots and rolling rock. High class living. We exchange millions of hugs and kisses and meet up with their friends who are hilarious. One, in an attempt which might be considered flirting, says to me “I could smell you across the room.” What dude? “Like your perfume not your BO.” Thanks? “It’s not like too strong it just smells really good.” Ok just stop it. We find out he is our neighbor and exchange numbers (BE OUR FRIENDS CROWN HEIGHTS KIDZ) and he sends both me an Kim Chi text messages at the same time. To KimChi “You’re a fox.” To me “you smell good.” Keeping your options open I see. Out of control.

We take the party to some shitty bar and Kim Chi takes out her passport and hands it to the bouncer. Who throws it back at her and demands that she open it to her photo. She responds with a “why are you so lazy?” while passing the now open passport back to him and he takes it from her and throws it on the ground telling her to get out. So we tell him to fuck off and all leave together.

On the way out there is an ambulance with two paramedics chilling out front. So I ask them if they’ll help Kim Chi once I injure and throw her into a giant pile of garbage right in front of them. “No. You can help her. She’s your problem.” To which the both of us start screaming about how they were the worst paramedics. “What kind of paramedics don’t help people?” “Do your job! This is your job!”

I almost peed my pants on the way home. Luckily I didn’t. the end.

We already know that some publisher is frothing at the mouth for the rights to this girl’s story. If you aren’t familiar with the hipster grifter  then you live in the deepest darkest cave known to man. Let’s just hope Vice hires her back to write a weekly column about prison food and online degrees. We can even get updates on whether her cancer is in remission. (It is!) (It isn’t!)

Ack! ZOMBIES!!!!

SO MANY FANS!!!!!

Today is the first day that I log one entry per day. I’ll try to keep it entertaining. Though I am certain to bore you along the way. Anyhow, buddy! Let’s move on…

Somewhere in this post you’ll find the newest trailer from the upcoming season of the aptly named but TERRIBLE series True Blood. If you don’t know already it’s based on the sookie stackhouse series by charlaine harris (who I have totally written about before because I am obsessed.)

Anyhow the new season reboots on June 14th and I am for some reason a little bit excited (really this show is the worst.) My roommate came home the other day and asked me if I wanted to watch true blood with him. I told him it was terrible to which he responded with “all the hot chicks love this show. I need to be able to make True Blood small talk.” Whoops welcome to your life.

IN OTHER NEWS they are casting so if any of y’all are interested in 4 lines in one scene as the “female blood hooker” you are in for a treat. “This human blood hooker is allowing a clearly disinterested Eric to drink from her…” or you could be the innocent sad victim! She has TWO scenes but sadly only three lines. Everybody get “victimized”!!

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The most recent book in the Sookie Stackhouse series comes out this month! Oh my estrogen related excitement just went through the roof.

Fuck it. This is officially a True Blood fan blog. Who has vampire stories?! Leave them in the comments, dicks.

Hello friends.

I know that you are all lovely and secretly creative people and I wanted to get you on board with a zine I am putting together.

You are saying what? A zine? Are you a 15 yr old girl. Yes I am. So here is the deal.

I WANT YOU TO MAKE A CRAIGSLIST DATING AD.

Any ad you want. It can be serious. It can be totally fake. either way make an ad and send me all the wacky responses and the photos that are sent with them. I am taking submissions for things that are funny, sad, psychotic. Just interesting, really. You can send illustrations with them or commentary. I want to compile a book by the end of the summer.

MAN UP. POST. USE A FAKE EMAIL.

xo,
riley